Overlanding 101
Diary of an overland Leader/Driver
Typical day (?) Part 1, Morning.
Slept in the cab last night to try and get some quiet and be away from all the snorers. Gearstick made it awkward and hump in the middle has given me backache.
Was woken up at 6am by the cook team from the group banging on the door wanting to know where the matches are to start the fire. Tried to settle down again for a little while but further banging asked me where the spare sugar is, the other stuff has ants in it as the top wasn’t put on properly last night.
Put clothes on, only worn them for a week and not many beer stains so still good for another week or so. Jumped out of cab to find flat tyre at front, must change that before leaving, heard hissing in the night but thought it was just another snake.
Fended off two more questions about where we are going today from the lovey dovey couple who were too busy with each other to remember what I told the group at the evening meal last night.
Found female group member has already made me a cup of coffee (she is so sweet!) but has a few dead ants in it, mustn’t complain, they’re full of protein. Grabbed coffee, toilet roll and spade and gone off into the bush for early morning ablutions.
Return from ten minutes peace and quiet to find usual bedlam, tents stuffed in bags rather than rolled up properly, day packs strewn over the seats from the early risers wanting to reserve the best views, kit leaning against the side of the truck (makes easy route for mice to get in and when they get in the food stocks there is hell to pay), half awake people tripping over forgotten tent pegs, scramble to find lost passport and so on.
Decide to change wheel but too many people jumping in and out of truck to make it safe, might fall off jack.
Answer questions about where to change money today, how long will we stop for shopping, how much money needed, where is internet café, anywhere to do laundry, what will weather be like, why person A is being nasty to person B.
Advised again one member to stop scratching mossie bites and to use repellent and long clothes at night and re-dressed infected bite, cleaned and put plaster on another cut finger, told one that the reason he has what looks like blood in his crap is actually the amount of beetroot he ate last night, advised one that he ought to drink plenty of water to get rid of his beer headache, and fantasized over a full cooked English breakfast.
Changed puncture while group had settled down over breakfast (cereal, powdered milk, toast done over the fire, jam, marmalade, scrambled eggs, fruit) but missed out on my toast and jam as was too busy with wheel and cooks had packed everything away when I’d finished. The sweet girl brought me another cup of coffee though. Checked oil and water on truck and paid campsite bill.
Eventually everything packed away and resolved argument over whose litter was left lying around again (“I don’t care whose it is, we’re not going anywhere until it’s picked up.”) diplomatically as ever.
Resolved argument over number/position of windows to be left open, some too cold first thing, some wanting fresh air (“I’m not bothered, I’m sitting in the front, sort it out like adults.”) again as diplomatically as ever.
Asked whoever it is that’s not settled their bar bill to go and do it now. Arbitrated in two arguments over same bar bills “I didn’t have that many beers” and “They said the Amaroula was 10, not 15 a shot” by re-iterating advice to pay for drinks at the time, not run up a tab until you are too pissed to remember what you had, as diplomatically as ever.
Just about to set off then had to wait whilst two of group nipped off for last minute pee which gave me chance for a walk round the camp to pick up three more forgotten tent pegs and do a circuit of the truck to check all panels/doors had been locked (no they hadn’t).
Jumped in drivers seat, turned ignition key ……. and nothing. Grabbed hammer from under seat, jumped out, smacked starter motor and told it that it was an temperamental son of a bitch, jumped back in and “voila”, it starts.
Drive out onto the road looking forward to a nice day of travelling through the African countryside.
Part 2, During the day
Had a nice chat whilst driving with the couple in the front in between “suggestions” from rest of group as to best music to play.
My rule is no music before 9am to give time to wake up without 50 cent swearing at me, Abba making me sing along, Nelly Furtado and Shakira giving me lustful thoughts, Enigma sending me into an hypnotic trance, Kylie giving me dry heaves, Jack Johnson sending me to sleep or Eminem making me feel as though I’ve had a raw deal in this world and I can make everything better by beating someone up at regular intervals.
A couple of hours after setting off I needed to start looking for the first pee stop. The individuals in the group have requested over time that this place fulfils certain criteria -
No animals, snakes, spiders.
No people.
Sufficient bush to provide cover.
No vehicles passing that can spot you.
No muddy ground.
Out of the wind.
It must have stopped raining.
Sufficient shade if hot and sunny.
No one else has “toiletted” there.
Not near any bad smell.
No flies or mossies.
Not in a town.
So I eventually find somewhere and then for the umpteenth time have to remind the same people to use the mild disinfectant solution spray bottle on their hands when they return to help stop gippy tummies - usually it always seems to be the nail biters.
The only funny thing was about the guy who really would like to get a job like mine.
He’s always trying to help, which is a good thing usually, but today he realised he was a little too helpful.
I peed on the driver’s side tyre, as I normally do, but the fluid ran down the camber of the road, under the truck and out the other side. He thought the truck was leaking something and so to find out whether it was water, oil, brake fluid or whatever, he poked his finger in the fluid, smelt it, and then tasted it before attracting my attention to the problem as he couldn’t identify it. After pointing out his error and after he rinsed his mouth out with the aforementioned disinfectant spray I said to him, “It is a common saying where I’m from that if a girl is really ‘the business’ you can you can say to your mates that she is so good looking you would use “her shit for toothpaste and her pee for lemonade”, but I don’t think you feel the same way about me yet, or do you?”
Drove again for an hour or so to a town where we can buy some food. It’s a delicate balance with timekeeping because if you stop in a town near the time for a pee the group complain there is no toilet whilst stuck there, so it is best to stop for shopping about an hour after the last pee stop to give time to complete the task and then drive some way out of town.
Everyone gets out leaving a couple to “guard” the truck whilst I use the time to quickly get my self a cold drink and then diagnose the low power on the truck and repair it by replacing the fuel filters.
After an hour the group wander back apart from the usual two that are always late. The group cooks return to tell me: -
“We wanted to buy stuffed olives but couldn’t find any, do you know where we can get some?”
“We spent nearly all the budget on two tins of imported baked beans and some Branston Pickle, can we have some more money please.”
“Can you keep your eye out for a shop selling Mozzarella cheese, but we’d settle for fresh Parmesan instead.”
“We didn’t have time to buy any souvenirs, if you see a nice stall or something can you stop there as well.”
“If you see a nice butchers shop, we wanted some free range chicken breasts tonight.”
We eventually set off again after the girl who always looks so well made up asks me if I can drive slower over the bumps as she finds it difficult to varnish her nails in the back of the truck whilst we’re moving.
Continue conversation with nice pair in front of truck, they seem to have their heads screwed on right and taking everything as it comes. They haven’t asked the usual questions of
“how did you get this job”,
“what did you do before”,
“how much do you get paid”,
“which is your favourite country”,
“why don’t you have a GPS to find the way”
"where is your radio to contact your base if we break down" and something often asked - “where do you keep the gun? You do have one don’t you?”
About midday we stopped for lunch. The site has to have roughly the same characteristics as a pee stop but additionally it can’t be dusty, it has to have enough shade for everyone and good views. A bonus would be some old ruins or something for everyone to have quiet walk round to digest their lunch.
So I stopped in the nearest lay-by.
Whilst lunch was being prepared (salad, leftover pasta made in to pasta salad, bread, corned beef, cheese triangles, apples, bananas, mango) answered questions regarding: -
best film speed to use for available light and weather conditions (100, 200 or 400),
difference between banana and plantain,
best ice cream shops en route,
how the beetles on the sand dunes in Namibia survive,
why a few grains of rice in the salt cellar prevents the salt clumping together when humid,
why warthogs stick their tails up when running,
difference between lion and leopard footprints
which is the nicest animal meat to eat and,
if the overland company promotes ecological travel, why do we use diesel trucks and not electric ones?
Had a word with two of the lads about their liking for sexist jokes. No matter how funny they might be, not all the group appreciate them. But told them a good one in return.
At last we managed to have enough food at lunch for there to be some over, it does seem to take some time for groups to be able to know how much to prepare for twenty or so people.
Asked group again to stop putting waste food in the bins when we’re in the bush. Packaging etc, yes, but food smells quickly, attracts flies and is better thrown out for the ants and other creepy crawly things.
Packed all kit away and set off again.
Had to stop after ten minutes for someone to go to the toilet, apparently the girl didn’t like the place where we stopped for lunch and wanted somewhere with a bit more cover.
Stopped again another ten minutes later to retrieve cap blown off by wind as lad stuck his head out of the window to take a photo.
Stopped again another ten minutes later as two of group wanted to take photo of termite hill.
Stopped again another ten minutes later to re-fasten side panel that cooks had left unlocked (my fault, I should have checked it).
Stopped as group member can’t find passport and thinks they left their money belt back at the lunch stop (found in day pack and resumed travel)
Stopped again later to fill up with water and fuel.
Didn’t stop and ignored Policeman at side of road waving us down for “spot check”, no radios and no cars makes for easy getaway, even at 40km/hr due to potholed roads.
Whilst driving made note of two rough camps that could possibly be used if late or if other hold up makes campsite too far, but apart from that had a nice drive for an hour or so with good conversation, good music and terrific scenery.
Got to campsite in good time, 5pm, saw the same two girls as usual immediately jump out of truck and head for toilet block to be first in the showers (they just won’t learn that they don’t start heating the water in the old 45 gallon oil drum until we arrive, thus about 7pm is the best time, the time I go as dinner is being cleared up)
Reminded some of the group to stop walking round in bare feet, you’re not in Oz now y’know.
Checked in with reception, drove truck to best spot before all the other overland riff raff and dross arrive, grabbed paperwork and went to bar.
(Cont)
Typical day (?) Part 1, Morning.
Slept in the cab last night to try and get some quiet and be away from all the snorers. Gearstick made it awkward and hump in the middle has given me backache.
Was woken up at 6am by the cook team from the group banging on the door wanting to know where the matches are to start the fire. Tried to settle down again for a little while but further banging asked me where the spare sugar is, the other stuff has ants in it as the top wasn’t put on properly last night.
Put clothes on, only worn them for a week and not many beer stains so still good for another week or so. Jumped out of cab to find flat tyre at front, must change that before leaving, heard hissing in the night but thought it was just another snake.
Fended off two more questions about where we are going today from the lovey dovey couple who were too busy with each other to remember what I told the group at the evening meal last night.
Found female group member has already made me a cup of coffee (she is so sweet!) but has a few dead ants in it, mustn’t complain, they’re full of protein. Grabbed coffee, toilet roll and spade and gone off into the bush for early morning ablutions.
Return from ten minutes peace and quiet to find usual bedlam, tents stuffed in bags rather than rolled up properly, day packs strewn over the seats from the early risers wanting to reserve the best views, kit leaning against the side of the truck (makes easy route for mice to get in and when they get in the food stocks there is hell to pay), half awake people tripping over forgotten tent pegs, scramble to find lost passport and so on.
Decide to change wheel but too many people jumping in and out of truck to make it safe, might fall off jack.
Answer questions about where to change money today, how long will we stop for shopping, how much money needed, where is internet café, anywhere to do laundry, what will weather be like, why person A is being nasty to person B.
Advised again one member to stop scratching mossie bites and to use repellent and long clothes at night and re-dressed infected bite, cleaned and put plaster on another cut finger, told one that the reason he has what looks like blood in his crap is actually the amount of beetroot he ate last night, advised one that he ought to drink plenty of water to get rid of his beer headache, and fantasized over a full cooked English breakfast.
Changed puncture while group had settled down over breakfast (cereal, powdered milk, toast done over the fire, jam, marmalade, scrambled eggs, fruit) but missed out on my toast and jam as was too busy with wheel and cooks had packed everything away when I’d finished. The sweet girl brought me another cup of coffee though. Checked oil and water on truck and paid campsite bill.
Eventually everything packed away and resolved argument over whose litter was left lying around again (“I don’t care whose it is, we’re not going anywhere until it’s picked up.”) diplomatically as ever.
Resolved argument over number/position of windows to be left open, some too cold first thing, some wanting fresh air (“I’m not bothered, I’m sitting in the front, sort it out like adults.”) again as diplomatically as ever.
Asked whoever it is that’s not settled their bar bill to go and do it now. Arbitrated in two arguments over same bar bills “I didn’t have that many beers” and “They said the Amaroula was 10, not 15 a shot” by re-iterating advice to pay for drinks at the time, not run up a tab until you are too pissed to remember what you had, as diplomatically as ever.
Just about to set off then had to wait whilst two of group nipped off for last minute pee which gave me chance for a walk round the camp to pick up three more forgotten tent pegs and do a circuit of the truck to check all panels/doors had been locked (no they hadn’t).
Jumped in drivers seat, turned ignition key ……. and nothing. Grabbed hammer from under seat, jumped out, smacked starter motor and told it that it was an temperamental son of a bitch, jumped back in and “voila”, it starts.
Drive out onto the road looking forward to a nice day of travelling through the African countryside.
Part 2, During the day
Had a nice chat whilst driving with the couple in the front in between “suggestions” from rest of group as to best music to play.
My rule is no music before 9am to give time to wake up without 50 cent swearing at me, Abba making me sing along, Nelly Furtado and Shakira giving me lustful thoughts, Enigma sending me into an hypnotic trance, Kylie giving me dry heaves, Jack Johnson sending me to sleep or Eminem making me feel as though I’ve had a raw deal in this world and I can make everything better by beating someone up at regular intervals.
A couple of hours after setting off I needed to start looking for the first pee stop. The individuals in the group have requested over time that this place fulfils certain criteria -
No animals, snakes, spiders.
No people.
Sufficient bush to provide cover.
No vehicles passing that can spot you.
No muddy ground.
Out of the wind.
It must have stopped raining.
Sufficient shade if hot and sunny.
No one else has “toiletted” there.
Not near any bad smell.
No flies or mossies.
Not in a town.
So I eventually find somewhere and then for the umpteenth time have to remind the same people to use the mild disinfectant solution spray bottle on their hands when they return to help stop gippy tummies - usually it always seems to be the nail biters.
The only funny thing was about the guy who really would like to get a job like mine.
He’s always trying to help, which is a good thing usually, but today he realised he was a little too helpful.
I peed on the driver’s side tyre, as I normally do, but the fluid ran down the camber of the road, under the truck and out the other side. He thought the truck was leaking something and so to find out whether it was water, oil, brake fluid or whatever, he poked his finger in the fluid, smelt it, and then tasted it before attracting my attention to the problem as he couldn’t identify it. After pointing out his error and after he rinsed his mouth out with the aforementioned disinfectant spray I said to him, “It is a common saying where I’m from that if a girl is really ‘the business’ you can you can say to your mates that she is so good looking you would use “her shit for toothpaste and her pee for lemonade”, but I don’t think you feel the same way about me yet, or do you?”
Drove again for an hour or so to a town where we can buy some food. It’s a delicate balance with timekeeping because if you stop in a town near the time for a pee the group complain there is no toilet whilst stuck there, so it is best to stop for shopping about an hour after the last pee stop to give time to complete the task and then drive some way out of town.
Everyone gets out leaving a couple to “guard” the truck whilst I use the time to quickly get my self a cold drink and then diagnose the low power on the truck and repair it by replacing the fuel filters.
After an hour the group wander back apart from the usual two that are always late. The group cooks return to tell me: -
“We wanted to buy stuffed olives but couldn’t find any, do you know where we can get some?”
“We spent nearly all the budget on two tins of imported baked beans and some Branston Pickle, can we have some more money please.”
“Can you keep your eye out for a shop selling Mozzarella cheese, but we’d settle for fresh Parmesan instead.”
“We didn’t have time to buy any souvenirs, if you see a nice stall or something can you stop there as well.”
“If you see a nice butchers shop, we wanted some free range chicken breasts tonight.”
We eventually set off again after the girl who always looks so well made up asks me if I can drive slower over the bumps as she finds it difficult to varnish her nails in the back of the truck whilst we’re moving.
Continue conversation with nice pair in front of truck, they seem to have their heads screwed on right and taking everything as it comes. They haven’t asked the usual questions of
“how did you get this job”,
“what did you do before”,
“how much do you get paid”,
“which is your favourite country”,
“why don’t you have a GPS to find the way”
"where is your radio to contact your base if we break down" and something often asked - “where do you keep the gun? You do have one don’t you?”
About midday we stopped for lunch. The site has to have roughly the same characteristics as a pee stop but additionally it can’t be dusty, it has to have enough shade for everyone and good views. A bonus would be some old ruins or something for everyone to have quiet walk round to digest their lunch.
So I stopped in the nearest lay-by.
Whilst lunch was being prepared (salad, leftover pasta made in to pasta salad, bread, corned beef, cheese triangles, apples, bananas, mango) answered questions regarding: -
best film speed to use for available light and weather conditions (100, 200 or 400),
difference between banana and plantain,
best ice cream shops en route,
how the beetles on the sand dunes in Namibia survive,
why a few grains of rice in the salt cellar prevents the salt clumping together when humid,
why warthogs stick their tails up when running,
difference between lion and leopard footprints
which is the nicest animal meat to eat and,
if the overland company promotes ecological travel, why do we use diesel trucks and not electric ones?
Had a word with two of the lads about their liking for sexist jokes. No matter how funny they might be, not all the group appreciate them. But told them a good one in return.
At last we managed to have enough food at lunch for there to be some over, it does seem to take some time for groups to be able to know how much to prepare for twenty or so people.
Asked group again to stop putting waste food in the bins when we’re in the bush. Packaging etc, yes, but food smells quickly, attracts flies and is better thrown out for the ants and other creepy crawly things.
Packed all kit away and set off again.
Had to stop after ten minutes for someone to go to the toilet, apparently the girl didn’t like the place where we stopped for lunch and wanted somewhere with a bit more cover.
Stopped again another ten minutes later to retrieve cap blown off by wind as lad stuck his head out of the window to take a photo.
Stopped again another ten minutes later as two of group wanted to take photo of termite hill.
Stopped again another ten minutes later to re-fasten side panel that cooks had left unlocked (my fault, I should have checked it).
Stopped as group member can’t find passport and thinks they left their money belt back at the lunch stop (found in day pack and resumed travel)
Stopped again later to fill up with water and fuel.
Didn’t stop and ignored Policeman at side of road waving us down for “spot check”, no radios and no cars makes for easy getaway, even at 40km/hr due to potholed roads.
Whilst driving made note of two rough camps that could possibly be used if late or if other hold up makes campsite too far, but apart from that had a nice drive for an hour or so with good conversation, good music and terrific scenery.
Got to campsite in good time, 5pm, saw the same two girls as usual immediately jump out of truck and head for toilet block to be first in the showers (they just won’t learn that they don’t start heating the water in the old 45 gallon oil drum until we arrive, thus about 7pm is the best time, the time I go as dinner is being cleared up)
Reminded some of the group to stop walking round in bare feet, you’re not in Oz now y’know.
Checked in with reception, drove truck to best spot before all the other overland riff raff and dross arrive, grabbed paperwork and went to bar.
(Cont)
