Female technique
The trick to peeing at the side of the road is as follows -
never pee on the tarmac, too much splash back, or any hard surface for that matter,
go off the road towards the bush, but make some noise whilst stamping your feet, etc. This is to scare off any snakes nearby.
Try not to pee under overhanging bushes, too many snakes in the branches.
When a place has been found, look out around you for small holes in the ground. These are the homes of the snakes, tarantulas and scorpions. When you pee they will think it is raining and come out for a look.
Be aware of anthills, peeing on them sends the ants into a frenzy because of the ammonia. They will climb quickly up your legs to find the source of their discomfort and attack it in force.
Never go off into the bush when it is thought that animals are nearby. If a large predator is spotted in the middle of a pee, then you will have a shit instead and if you were not prepared for it (i.e. the right stance) then crap on your ankles smells bad very quickly (plus the lack of paper to wipe your bottom is a bad thing).
Try and stand facing a downward slope, i.e. the slope descending towards your front, hitch up skirt and crouch down adjusting length of skirt so that it is a few inches off the ground. Pee.
But let out pee slowly, not all in one rush (splash back will occur on any surface if velocity is too high). Let pee trickle forwards from between your legs and flow in front of you. You can then check for signs of dehydration.
This is the reason for the front facing downward slope, to check the colour, plus the flow can be seen and regulated, plus the route the pee takes can be noted so as to avoid problems with going down snake etc holes.
When finished, stand up, shake bottom a little (if no paper) to release last few drops, then step forward either with one foot each side of the pee stream or deftly jump to one side and walk away.
Easy really.
Apparently, so I'm told, many women shave their, well, you know, private bit down there, as it is easier to dry skin than hair when fluid doesn't drop vertically due to occasional high winds.
Peeing for males on overlands.
First get out of the truck; peeing out through the windows is a no no.
Take note of previous entry about hard surfaces and splash back.
Walk away from truck towards the bush on opposite side from females.
If you suffer from "stage fright" then try to find a place by yourself.
Don't walk too far in to the bush as per previous about wild animals.
Try to find a suitable bush/tree to "water" and try and face away from the wind.
It is generally accepted that males like to pee on/against an object.
This is because due to the height from which the pee comes it is difficult to avoid the wet shoe and ankle syndrome (unless you are well hung like me and the end comes close to the ground when released from captivity).
Thus peeing at waist height or a little lower onto an object of the same height causes the pee to run slowly down to the ground rather than bouncing back up.
Note - peeing on the wheels of the truck is the sole prerogative of the driver/leader, to do so without authority results in strict censure.
Whilst peeing keep looking around and down at the ground for animals/insects/scorpions etc that may express an interest in what you are doing.
Never approach a bush and place body/peeing device through the bushy bits where it can't be seen. You never know what’s hiding already inside it.
If no tree/bush or such object close by (e.g. in desert) to eliminate splashing and male is supplied with foreskin then follow the next -
pinch end of skin blocking off exit of fluid. Fill skin "bag" with urine and stop. With fingers of other hand squeeze "balloon" quickly and at the same time release pinched end slightly. The resulting spurt should clear body by quite a distance thus eliminating the bounce of fluid from the ground (this technique can be used to clear most heights of wall as well if needed).
Repeat until bladder is empty (fill, spurt, fill, spurt etc).
To assist in relieving boredom several males together can indulge in some form of target practice (not at each other unless you are a rugby player) or distance competitions.
If no foreskin and normal sized apparatus then one must crouch down and follow the instructions above regarding the more intelligent and refined of the species.
When finished then a normal shake will suffice. Best to shake up and down rather than side to side, especially if you are standing with your mates in a row.
Do try to avoid the drops remaining that will stain the front of the shorts. Not only is it embarrassing but also when dried in a hot climate, in the back of a truck with many others, the resultant smell will make you an object of ridicule.
Finally, return to vehicle after having a quick and sly look around to see if you can spot any pert young female bottoms still hanging out to dry.
If you are female then you can have a sly look to see if it’s true what they say about the lad with the big feet.
You know you have been on an overland for some time when -
you are fed up with eating pasta,
you don’t notice the smell anymore,
you don’t shower at every campsite,
you don’t talk to half the group,
you are repeating the same anecdotes to everyone,
you think getting up at 7am is a lie in,
you think going to bed at 11pm is a very late night,
you have burn marks in most of your clothes because of the sparks from the campfire,
your feet are the same colour as your sandals,
you can’t brush your hair anymore,
your cooking skills have improved, but only for twenty people at a time,
you can put up and take down your tent with your eyes closed in 30 seconds,
you’ll hate something and love something within the same day, if not the same hour,
your passport is looking real good, like a proper traveller, all them stamps and stuff,
you are trying to remember all that has happened to tell your mates when you get home
(note - they wont actually be interested, eyes will glaze over and they’ll get fed up that you’ve turned into someone who says all the time “When I was in Africa….”)
You’ll wonder why the smoke from the campfire always comes in your direction.
You’ll abide by the thirty “second rule” (any seat left vacant around the fire for more than thirty seconds is up for grabs)
You’ll have no problems with the “five second rule” (if any food dropped on the floor is picked up within five seconds then it is still fit to eat)
You’ll never again be able to wash the pots without three separate bowls (one to rinse most of the muck off, one with washing liquid in to wash it properly, one with a mild solution of “Dettol” in to give final rinse and disinfection.
You’ll never use a Tea Towel again and your technique for “flapping” the plates dry is improving from day to day.
You’ll have swum nude at 3am in the morning.
You have tried and failed to be a member of the “100 Club” (try and drink a film canister of beer every minute for 100 minutes without standing up, going to the toilet or being sick)
After a while you’ll be a little wary about believing the Leader when he says things like - “Did you know that you can easily tell the difference between the sexes of a zebra at a distance?”
“How?” you ask.
He says, “The female is black with white stripes and the male is white with black stripes. But they always have the same number of each colour, thus if the first part is black, the last will be white, but whereas you start at the front on a female, you always start at the back on a male. Easy peasy.”
Or,
“Do you know why giraffes have long necks?”
“Why?” you ask.
“When giraffes developed thousands and thousands of years ago they had short necks.
But also sinus problems. Over generations they genetically developed longer necks to raise their heads higher away from the pollution at ground level. This cured the sinus problems, being in the cleaner air.
You’ve never seen a giraffe with blocked sinuses have you? So it must work.
One way experts now measure levels of pollution in different parts of Africa is to measure the length of the necks of the local giraffes and they can directly correlate this to smog levels.”
Note - whatever you do, if you are driving through the tunnel under the Suez canal on the way between Cairo and the coast, do not, I repeat, do not look up at the roof of the tunnel when the Leader tells you that there are glass panels in the bottom of the canal so you can look up and see the bottoms of the ships.
At the end of the trip when you are exchanging e mail addresses with everyone, the person everyone has disliked all through the trip is always the one with the pre-printed e mail sheet that just requires cutting up to give each member their own individually designed and personalised copy of that persons address. Everyone else just writes them down on scrap pieces of paper.
Just as you leave for the final time don’t forget to pick up that parcel of “common sense” you left for safekeeping when you started.
Now you can resume thinking for yourself, you will again look before you cross the roads, you’ll stop trying to hang out the windows when taking a photo of that cute lion 2 metres away, you’ll stop walking around with your jewellery on, you’ll listen to experienced Leaders when they tell you something and not think that even though it is your first time there “you know better”, you’ll not leave your money and passport lying around in the back of the truck when you get out to walk around town, you’ll not keep food in your tent in the game parks, you will be able to fill out border control forms without making a mistake and have to ask for a new one which they wont give you, you will put sun cream on and wear a hat, you will put mossie repellent on, you wont keep asking, “where are the toilets”, you’ll find them yourself, you will stop putting all your valuables in a “bum bag” and strapping it on back to front like a skier, you’ll suddenly find you can read guide books again, you’ll always be on time again and not keep the group waiting while the inkjet printer in the internet café tries to print out all of your 123 inbox messages, you will start being tidy again and clearing your crap up, you wont haggle over a 10cent tip……. and so on.
One last thing you should be aware of. Don’t forget that at the end of the trip it will take you at least a week to clean your finger and toe nails properly. But you will look at the world in a different way (usually through a squint due to too much campfire smoke)
The trick to peeing at the side of the road is as follows -
never pee on the tarmac, too much splash back, or any hard surface for that matter,
go off the road towards the bush, but make some noise whilst stamping your feet, etc. This is to scare off any snakes nearby.
Try not to pee under overhanging bushes, too many snakes in the branches.
When a place has been found, look out around you for small holes in the ground. These are the homes of the snakes, tarantulas and scorpions. When you pee they will think it is raining and come out for a look.
Be aware of anthills, peeing on them sends the ants into a frenzy because of the ammonia. They will climb quickly up your legs to find the source of their discomfort and attack it in force.
Never go off into the bush when it is thought that animals are nearby. If a large predator is spotted in the middle of a pee, then you will have a shit instead and if you were not prepared for it (i.e. the right stance) then crap on your ankles smells bad very quickly (plus the lack of paper to wipe your bottom is a bad thing).
Try and stand facing a downward slope, i.e. the slope descending towards your front, hitch up skirt and crouch down adjusting length of skirt so that it is a few inches off the ground. Pee.
But let out pee slowly, not all in one rush (splash back will occur on any surface if velocity is too high). Let pee trickle forwards from between your legs and flow in front of you. You can then check for signs of dehydration.
This is the reason for the front facing downward slope, to check the colour, plus the flow can be seen and regulated, plus the route the pee takes can be noted so as to avoid problems with going down snake etc holes.
When finished, stand up, shake bottom a little (if no paper) to release last few drops, then step forward either with one foot each side of the pee stream or deftly jump to one side and walk away.
Easy really.
Apparently, so I'm told, many women shave their, well, you know, private bit down there, as it is easier to dry skin than hair when fluid doesn't drop vertically due to occasional high winds.
Peeing for males on overlands.
First get out of the truck; peeing out through the windows is a no no.
Take note of previous entry about hard surfaces and splash back.
Walk away from truck towards the bush on opposite side from females.
If you suffer from "stage fright" then try to find a place by yourself.
Don't walk too far in to the bush as per previous about wild animals.
Try to find a suitable bush/tree to "water" and try and face away from the wind.
It is generally accepted that males like to pee on/against an object.
This is because due to the height from which the pee comes it is difficult to avoid the wet shoe and ankle syndrome (unless you are well hung like me and the end comes close to the ground when released from captivity).
Thus peeing at waist height or a little lower onto an object of the same height causes the pee to run slowly down to the ground rather than bouncing back up.
Note - peeing on the wheels of the truck is the sole prerogative of the driver/leader, to do so without authority results in strict censure.
Whilst peeing keep looking around and down at the ground for animals/insects/scorpions etc that may express an interest in what you are doing.
Never approach a bush and place body/peeing device through the bushy bits where it can't be seen. You never know what’s hiding already inside it.
If no tree/bush or such object close by (e.g. in desert) to eliminate splashing and male is supplied with foreskin then follow the next -
pinch end of skin blocking off exit of fluid. Fill skin "bag" with urine and stop. With fingers of other hand squeeze "balloon" quickly and at the same time release pinched end slightly. The resulting spurt should clear body by quite a distance thus eliminating the bounce of fluid from the ground (this technique can be used to clear most heights of wall as well if needed).
Repeat until bladder is empty (fill, spurt, fill, spurt etc).
To assist in relieving boredom several males together can indulge in some form of target practice (not at each other unless you are a rugby player) or distance competitions.
If no foreskin and normal sized apparatus then one must crouch down and follow the instructions above regarding the more intelligent and refined of the species.
When finished then a normal shake will suffice. Best to shake up and down rather than side to side, especially if you are standing with your mates in a row.
Do try to avoid the drops remaining that will stain the front of the shorts. Not only is it embarrassing but also when dried in a hot climate, in the back of a truck with many others, the resultant smell will make you an object of ridicule.
Finally, return to vehicle after having a quick and sly look around to see if you can spot any pert young female bottoms still hanging out to dry.
If you are female then you can have a sly look to see if it’s true what they say about the lad with the big feet.
You know you have been on an overland for some time when -
you are fed up with eating pasta,
you don’t notice the smell anymore,
you don’t shower at every campsite,
you don’t talk to half the group,
you are repeating the same anecdotes to everyone,
you think getting up at 7am is a lie in,
you think going to bed at 11pm is a very late night,
you have burn marks in most of your clothes because of the sparks from the campfire,
your feet are the same colour as your sandals,
you can’t brush your hair anymore,
your cooking skills have improved, but only for twenty people at a time,
you can put up and take down your tent with your eyes closed in 30 seconds,
you’ll hate something and love something within the same day, if not the same hour,
your passport is looking real good, like a proper traveller, all them stamps and stuff,
you are trying to remember all that has happened to tell your mates when you get home
(note - they wont actually be interested, eyes will glaze over and they’ll get fed up that you’ve turned into someone who says all the time “When I was in Africa….”)
You’ll wonder why the smoke from the campfire always comes in your direction.
You’ll abide by the thirty “second rule” (any seat left vacant around the fire for more than thirty seconds is up for grabs)
You’ll have no problems with the “five second rule” (if any food dropped on the floor is picked up within five seconds then it is still fit to eat)
You’ll never again be able to wash the pots without three separate bowls (one to rinse most of the muck off, one with washing liquid in to wash it properly, one with a mild solution of “Dettol” in to give final rinse and disinfection.
You’ll never use a Tea Towel again and your technique for “flapping” the plates dry is improving from day to day.
You’ll have swum nude at 3am in the morning.
You have tried and failed to be a member of the “100 Club” (try and drink a film canister of beer every minute for 100 minutes without standing up, going to the toilet or being sick)
After a while you’ll be a little wary about believing the Leader when he says things like - “Did you know that you can easily tell the difference between the sexes of a zebra at a distance?”
“How?” you ask.
He says, “The female is black with white stripes and the male is white with black stripes. But they always have the same number of each colour, thus if the first part is black, the last will be white, but whereas you start at the front on a female, you always start at the back on a male. Easy peasy.”
Or,
“Do you know why giraffes have long necks?”
“Why?” you ask.
“When giraffes developed thousands and thousands of years ago they had short necks.
But also sinus problems. Over generations they genetically developed longer necks to raise their heads higher away from the pollution at ground level. This cured the sinus problems, being in the cleaner air.
You’ve never seen a giraffe with blocked sinuses have you? So it must work.
One way experts now measure levels of pollution in different parts of Africa is to measure the length of the necks of the local giraffes and they can directly correlate this to smog levels.”
Note - whatever you do, if you are driving through the tunnel under the Suez canal on the way between Cairo and the coast, do not, I repeat, do not look up at the roof of the tunnel when the Leader tells you that there are glass panels in the bottom of the canal so you can look up and see the bottoms of the ships.
At the end of the trip when you are exchanging e mail addresses with everyone, the person everyone has disliked all through the trip is always the one with the pre-printed e mail sheet that just requires cutting up to give each member their own individually designed and personalised copy of that persons address. Everyone else just writes them down on scrap pieces of paper.
Just as you leave for the final time don’t forget to pick up that parcel of “common sense” you left for safekeeping when you started.
Now you can resume thinking for yourself, you will again look before you cross the roads, you’ll stop trying to hang out the windows when taking a photo of that cute lion 2 metres away, you’ll stop walking around with your jewellery on, you’ll listen to experienced Leaders when they tell you something and not think that even though it is your first time there “you know better”, you’ll not leave your money and passport lying around in the back of the truck when you get out to walk around town, you’ll not keep food in your tent in the game parks, you will be able to fill out border control forms without making a mistake and have to ask for a new one which they wont give you, you will put sun cream on and wear a hat, you will put mossie repellent on, you wont keep asking, “where are the toilets”, you’ll find them yourself, you will stop putting all your valuables in a “bum bag” and strapping it on back to front like a skier, you’ll suddenly find you can read guide books again, you’ll always be on time again and not keep the group waiting while the inkjet printer in the internet café tries to print out all of your 123 inbox messages, you will start being tidy again and clearing your crap up, you wont haggle over a 10cent tip……. and so on.
One last thing you should be aware of. Don’t forget that at the end of the trip it will take you at least a week to clean your finger and toe nails properly. But you will look at the world in a different way (usually through a squint due to too much campfire smoke)
Overlanding 101
